“I gotta drain my pipe, bro,” says Strunk, shaking his dick as the stream dwindles to a trickle. “Pipe’s are bursting!” The growing puddle of piss sloshed against his ragged sneakers, but that doesn’t bother him. He’s a true bro. We call him Strunk cuz one time he was strung out drunk at my sister’s party and she was all “Ew, somebody get this gross strunky guy outta my room!” Ever since then, me and Strunk have been fast friends. He’s even the bassist for our band, the Titty Biters, the grimiest, scuzziest, crudest band this side of Lake Gunge. We’re tighter than a virgin’s asshole at prom.
“That doesn’t mean you gotta piss on Samantha. Bro, show some respect!”
That’s one problem with Strunk. Once he’s fucked a chick, he can’t respect her. Not like me. I treat Samantha like the princess she is, even if the stuffing’s coming outta her seats and she smells like stale beer and weed farts. That’s what a relationship is all about. I keep her humming and she keeps me humming.
“Don’t be a bitch, bro. You’re gonna thank me when we’re done tonight. I swear, you ain’t ever had any sloppy, drippy pussy like you’re gonna get tonight.”
“Yeah, that’s what you keep saying! Just keep your dick away from Samantha, I ain’t paying to scrub jizz out of her cushions again!”
Me and Strunk had started the night down at Old Man Sloppendick’s Bait ‘n Switch, hollering at lot lizards and throwing back beers until he had to take a massive shit behind the shed. It sounded like a waterfall the way it poured out of him. That pretty much killed our chances with any of the girlies around there. I thought I might have another night of rubbing one out against Samantha’s bucket seat ahead of me, but Strunk said he knew a way that we could still get some pussy tonight. He loaded up the trunk with mega-size buckets of week-old, half-price fish chum that Old Man Sloppendick was only too happy to unload and insisted that I drive him up to Lake Gunge. It was so humid that the sweat made your ball sack stick to your legs, and you could see swarms of mosquitos in Samantha’s headlights. Me and Strunk are wearing our black t-shirts with the arms cut off to show off the sweet tats on our sick guns.
“You gonna tell me what this is all about, Strunk?”
He grins in the darkness. “You know about the Monster of Lake Gunge, right? Old Man Sloppendick said he came up here last week to dump some chum and saw it, plain as day.”
“I didn’t come here to hear fuckin’ fairy tales. I thought you said we were gonna get laid!”
Strunk wipes his piss-soaked hands across the seat of his jeans and pops Samantha’s trunk. The reek of the grossest, nastiest, sloppiest fish guts hits me square in the face and I almost puke right there.
“Fuck! That smells like shit, bro! That stench is gonna clear out every bitch in a ten-mile radius!”
Strunk grins wider. “Trust me, bro. Tonight we’re gonna get the nastiest, sloppiest, goopiest pussy you ever tasted." He points at the buckets. The chum is so putrid now that it’s just a swirling, bubbling stew of liquid pink and green guts. “ This is gonna help us get it!”
“You’ve had a lot of crazy ideas in the past, but this has gotta be one of the craziest. How’s this chum gonna get us pussy?”
Strunk doesn’t say anything for a second, he bends down and picks up the nastiest discarded parking lot stogie off the ground. He’s always desperate for a hit of sweet lady nicotine so he lights it and takes a deep drag. “Easy, bro! We’re gonna use it as bait to catch the Lake Gunge Monster and then we’re gonna fuck it! Unless you don’t believe the Lake Gunge monster is real.”
I don’t believe Strunk, of course, but why take the chance? What if he was right? I was real hard-up lately and I really needed to get my dick wet or I was gonna lose my shit. “I didn’t say that! Hand me a bucket, let’s get this monster!”
“My man! Just throw it in the water, dude, the monster can’t resist nasty fish guts!”
I lift a bucket from the trunk as Strunk sets up his amp. I throw the guts into the water, getting slime all over my hands. Meanwhile, Strunk pulls out his bass and hooks the amp to Samantha’s engine.
"I'm gonna play the sloppiest bass licks you ever heard," he says, preparing to jam. “That’s the kind of music that the Lake Gunge monster likes! It can’t get enough sweet sloppy licks!”
“Bro, I don’t care about your fucking bass! Get your ass down here and help me with this chum!”
But Strunk isn’t listening. He starts whaling on his bass and you can see ripples fly across the lake in time to his hot licks. Meanwhile, I’m up to my elbows in the grossest slop you ever seen. No pussy ever smelled that bad! I doubted any monster pussy would be worth this. I was about to tap out and tell Strunk to forget it, if any gross sloppy monster came out of the lake, he was welcome to bang it alone. I hear Strunk say something and I look up and he’s pointing at the lake. The dark water’s swirling and churning like there’s something big right under the surface.
“Bro! There it is!”
“No way, bro, you’re full of it!”
"C’mon, man. It’s gonna be the best monster fucking party ever!"
That’s when the water parts and up rises the nastiest, sloppiest, grossest fish monster you ever saw standing in the water right off the shore, staring at us. At least, I think she’s staring? She ain’t got no eyes that I can see, and no face under long strands of oozy black gook that might be hair but also might be rotten kelp clinging to her. She’s got the fattest tits you’ve seen on a fish monster, the pink nubs of her nips peeking out like beacons from the gunk. The monster looks like a giant pile of rotten filth, the black guck rolls down her flanks, covering her thighs and belly. She’s like an oil slick, except for the multiple gaping pussies. They are like open sores in the muck all over her body. I’ve never seen so many cunts. They’re all over her chest and belly, down her legs, and between her tits all flexing and clenching like fish gasping for air!
“Bro, I told you!” Strunk says, jamming on his bass again.
The monster pulls herself out of the water, farting and queefing, moving in the direction of Strunk’s hot bass licks. She’s so gross and gooey I can’t tell her face from her ass, but I know one thing for sure – this thing is a pussy hound’s dream come true. She could suck off a whole football team at once!
She reaches her arms toward Strunk, beckoning him to approach. Hot damn, that son of a bitch was right. This fucking monster loves the sound of the bass! Her pussies are wet and throbbing in time to the sound.
“Bro, this is gonna be epic!” Strunk says, dropping trou. His dick tents the front of his boxer briefs.
I don’t like the idea of fucking the monster at the same time as Strunk cuz that seems kinda gay, but I’m also hornier than a pussy hound at a pussy convention, and the way that thing is presenting its cunt, it’s like it wants to be fucked!
Strunk goes up to her, stumbling in the shallows as he tries to pull his briefs down and walk at the same time. The monster waits, arms outstretched, queefing. Strunk doesn’t hesitate, he sticks his dick into one of the pussies. No foreplay or nothing. He grunts as he pushes into her, slowly at first, then faster. He starts thrusting and moaning, eyes rolling back in his head. I can’t tell which pussy he’s fucking, but I figure I better pick one and start fucking too or I’m gonna miss out.
“Bro, this is the best! You gotta try this! She gives better head than your sister!”
“Fuck you, Strunk! You never got with my sister!”
I’m real mad now. Pissing on Samantha is one thing, but talking shit about my sister is another. I don’t have time for that, cuz that’s when Strunk stops moaning and starts screaming. He tries to push away but the vagina monster is gripping his dick too tight. That no-face bitch pulls him tighter, wrapping her gooey arms around him and chewing his dick in her smelly twat like it’s a tootsie roll. There’s a loud crunch and Strunk screams and waves his arms, trying to break free. Blood shoots out of him in big spurts and his body folds in half backward like he’s doing the limbo. The blood is everywhere, and the dark water is turning crimson with gore. I realized the monster is sucking his dick so hard it’s sucking him into the pussy and it’s so tight it’s crushing him!
“Bro! Bro! Save me!” he gurgles, blood bubbling out of his mouth.
I have to help. Strunk is my bro, even if he is an asshole. I run up and grab him to pull him away, but his body breaks in half, cut like a side of beef. His torso falls off and his guts spill out into the rancid water like a mass of rubber tubing. The pussy keeps chewing, holding his lower half fast by his dick. I know Strunk’s done for, but he went out like he would have wanted. He died getting laid.
I try to run, but one of the monster’s sticky hands wraps around my ankles and I fall face down into the gross, murky, stagnant water. It starts dragging me backward toward all those chomping cunts. I scream when I notice the vaginas are filled with sharp little teeth. They’re grinding me up into chunks, like I’m corn on the cob, and spitting me out right before my eyes! My legs are gone, turned into ground beef and now the monster’s fish vagina is getting way too close to my dick for comfort! I know I’m fucking done for now, and all I can think is I sure hope that my sister doesn’t sell Samantha to some asshole. That’s when the pussy teeth sink into my face, crack my skull, and chomp on my brain! Major gross-out!